i made too many leaves

I had a sad day, missing my dad because it's Veteran's Day. My dad, the greatest person who ever lived.  The man who married me every night when I was 3 years old, so that I'd go to bed. I wish I could write something wonderful like Stephanie did for her grandfather, but I completely choke when it comes to writing about what I really feel.  I miss my father all the time, though he died more than 10 years ago (not in the service, but he is a veteran of the Korean Conflict, and is buried in a beautiful Veteran cemetery in NJ).  I miss how he loved being in the Navy, and everything else he loved and stood for and did. I mourn the loss of him being at my wedding, and being here when our baby is born next spring. I can't believe I don't have a single picture of him on my computer, and I'm going to find one in time for his birthday so I can write something decent.

I decided to go on a long, lonely, but gorgeously autumnal walk with Ellie. The weather here was incredible today; it was most seriously hands down the most gorgeous day of the year.  We collected our leaves and did the leaf thing. I  felt like a little kid getting sick on too many pretty candies.  What am I going to do with all these?

For incredibly frustrating but not bad baby news, continue...

I am frustrated right now, beyond belief.  I have a heart murmur, and my midwife has suggested I get an echocardiogram and wear a monitor to check out my heart.  That's fine. But the monitor is this archaic thing that seems to me could be a lot more technologically advanced.

As you might imagine, it is nowhere near smaller than a credit card.  They lie.  It is bulky, about the size of a deck of cards hanging under my shirt for 2 weeks.  I put two itchy sticky leads on my chest each day, and press the big friendly Record button whenever I feel anything wrong with my heart. Then I have to find a land line phone (we have none in our house, how handy) and transmit these recordings every time I wrack up 3 of them.  Why can't this go over a cell phone, or get downloaded into a computer, or do anything at all that fits my life? Why does this dumbass thing have to have a phone receiver actually placed on top of it for it to work? I mean, picture me standing at 7 am in the Dairy Queen parking lot putting the clunky pay phone receiver over this thing and sending 5 minutes of heartbeats. It's like freaking rubbing sticks together.  But wait, there's more to this...

Let me explain to you the cruel, sweet irony of telling a person with severe anxiety disorder - who is off her meds because she is pregnant - to pay attention to her heart beat all the time and to decide when i'ts beating wrong and press a button. Am I pressing the button at the right times? Pressing it too much? Not enough?  Does the recording thing send some kind of wireless signal through my body?  Is that bad for the baby?  Why is it that ever since I put this monitor on I can't breathe and my heart is constantly racing? Will the recording nurses think I'm strange because of how much/when I've pressed the button? And will pressing the button actually change my heart beat somehow?

Did I mention this is a royal pain in the ass, and that it itches, and it involves dirty pay phones?

I love my baby!

Comments

[francine]

hugs to you. - f

[Lara]

that sucks! Is there no other way to monitor it? There *must* be a better way...

[Amy Lu]

I'm so sorry. If nothing else, save this for the day your child is driving you nuts, and you can say (with more conviction than most moms) "Do you know what I went through for you??!!??" Hang in there, people (knitters) all over the world are praying for you now, sending good thoughts your way.

[Marie]

Thank you for sharing about your Dad; you expressed it beautifully.

[Julia]

Hang in there, girly, you aren't alone. A friend of mine who suffers from depression and anxiety also had to go off her meds for pregnancy, and it's a hard transition. I know that a lot of women experience pregnancy "side effects" (what a poor descriptor!) like arythmias (sp?!), that we don't hear a lot about. Pregnancy is just hard on the body. You can do this, you just need to work against your instincts and stay calm. Long atumnal walks with Ellie sound like just the ticket. I'll be sending good, healthy thoughts your way.

[Karen]

Oh my gosh, how seriously frustrating and annoying. I am so sorry! I would be the same way about wondering when to press the button and spending all my time thinking about that and worrying. Those leaves are gorgeous, by the way, you should think about pressing them and saving them in a little book and you can always rememeber this time before the baby came and your life changed forever.....Big hugs to you.

[Heidi]

The leaves make good filler if you're sending someone a package, too.

Take care! And vent to your readers whenever you want--we're here to listen and console you.

[niter]

Your leaves are beautiful! As another poster mentioned, they would be great in gift packages! What you wrote about your father was very touching, as I almost lost my father while in highschool. I know it is not the same, but I just wanted you to know that I admire your strength! Yeah, I have been lurking for awhile as a fledgling knitter and blogger!

Taking Ellie out for a walk is key. I have two aussies of my own, Foster and Chloe, and they provide so much stress relief and amusement. My elder aussie, Foster, seems to be really in tune with my emotions. Regardless, I have found that not walking Aussies can provide a lot of stress. Imagine, two Aussies, one townhouse, and a week of rain ;) Still, I love the little fuzzbutts.

[Rebecca]

Think of the GREAT blog picture that will make! I see you in front of a dirty DQ with your heart monitor and a pay phone pressed to your chest...Got to see the humor in that.

I had an echocardiogram a few years ago and I do have to say those are pretty cool, you can see the chambers of your heart.

As for the murmur, just remember to take a deep breath. Lots and lots of people have murmurs and lots and lots of people have babies. You'll do great! You've got it in you.

[nancy]

I have a heart murmur. I had a baby (two actually! only one at a time). I also had one of those echo cardio thingies. Everything was fine. No meds were needed. A lot of people have heart murmurs and nothing bad _ever_ happens to them. Hang in there. you'll get through it!