scavengers

This is why we end up staying so closed. Because when you open yourself up to the world, there are so many little hurts. People are not nice. You run joyfully and bonk your head.

Let me go back a bit. We had a long, fun day yesterday, taking pictures everywhere. Sarah had Monroe on her back, Sebastian rode in his stroller, and both boys were model scavenger hunt helpers, either sleeping or moving right along as needed. We asked strangers to hold our knitting and pose (most were willing and even seem happy in the pictures.) A man on the bus turned out to be a former knitter: he used to do it when he was a logger, for fun in the off hours. The food vendor was on the phone (“I’m now holding my third piece of yarn,” he reported to the person on the line.) The wind-up toy vendor at Finnegan’s knew the rules better than we did, having seen a dozen knitters already, and he helped us get an extra point. We walked and talked about our children, our car-free lives and what good shape we're in from busing and carrying.

We were damp and mentally tired by the time we boarded the final MAX train to the Forestry Center to see the Yarn Harlot and report on our pictures.

Sebastian played on the life-sized logging train at the entrance. He was cute but tired too and he did fall and bonk his head really hard, twice. We probably should have stayed outside, but I went in to see Tina, find my friends Heather and Rodger, find my mom who took the MAX out there to meet us, and to have a sense of completion, that we'd walked around all day opening ourselves up to people and we had prevailed.

I sat down and immediately I knew Sebastian was going to make noise, so we moved to the back of the room, then out to the lobby. At one point during Stephanie’s presentation we had to come back in for a diaper. That was when a very angry, twisted, pinch-faced woman snarled at me. Really, she was an animal. I said, “Excuse me,” and she said “You’re damn right Excuse You!”

(Huh?)

“You don't bring children to things like this,” she hissed, her face a mask of nastiness.

(I am being kind here. Her meanness was really shocking.) I instinctively hissed back, actually managing to punctuate my reply with a pointed diaper, “You bring children everywhere!” Then I went to the lobby and cried a bit because she really hurt me, being so mean after my nice day, mean about my beautiful sweet son who brings up the deepest feelings of pride and protection in me.

Interestingly, there was another mom with a little boy outside crying because someone else had asked her to leave. Her son was really quiet and good.

There were probably a dozen more children of all ages around the back of the house and in the lobby with parents. I knew that Tina, the host, and Stephanie, the speaker, both love children. I was outraged, but of course had to let it go, which obviously I have not.

It was a joyful celebration of knitting, coming together around something we loved, sharing our long and happy day of picture taking (Sarah won a prize!). And at least two people were so wound up that they could not share it with every kind of person, even those of us who traveled difficultly and with children carried on our very backs, because we wanted to be there, and we happen to have chosen to forward the human race have children and have been lucky and blessed enough to have them (edited because a couple people pointed out the above phrase was not entirely nice or accurate.) I believe that the way you socialize children is to bring them places and have them meet other people.

I am so sorry Sebastian met her.
 

we are so tender

requiring fires for warmth

roofs against the rain

 

 

(haiku by martin)

Comments

[Sarah R]

Oh, I'm sorry for such a rotten spot in an otherwise lovely day. And I'm sorry that that mean woman can't relax and enjoy small children.

Love the picture with this post.

[Bethany]

Oh, this makes me so sad. I'm so sorry you and your lovely boy had to meet her, too.

[P-la]

I feel so much for you right now!!! I so wish I could give you a hug. You are strong and courageous. Taking your children out on an all day extravaganza takes strength and patience. Both for the child and the parent. I am in a group of nine knitting women. I am the only one with a child. (he's going to be 3 next month). I have no problems setting my friends straight when they make a comment about people being out with their kids. I don't bring my child with me to knit night because that's his time to be alone with his dad. I remind them that families have the right to leave the house. Children have the right to be children. They were children once too. I know I'm not saying what I mean to say dangit! I'm not one who is good with words. Just know how sorry I am to had to run into such an ugly person on such a beautiful day. Please don't let it ruin such a special memory you will have about doing what you did with your son and your friends.

[Marnie]

Ugh, some people are just ugly and rotten inside. What ghastly behavior. I'd rather be around 100 crying children than one self righteous rude person.

Unless the event was at a strip club or an R rated movie, I can't fathom where this woman got off speaking to you like that.

[Jessica]

That's awful. What a shitty thing to mar your fun adventure. I think all parents have memories of moments like this.

[cr]

I too am sorry you had to run into such a person! I've had my share of encounters with people like that and all I can say is that they are dead wrong. Children are a blessing. Inconvenient sometimes, but always a blessing.

You are quite correct that children learn their social skills from being around other people. So take your son out as much as possible! And when you meet that rare truly nasty person, use them as an example of how *not* to behave. :)

[Mendozy]

Whoever she is, she can't be a true Yarn Harlot fan or she would have seen Stephanie's wonderful pictures of mums and babies/children at all the previous Yarn Harlot events and known that children are very much welcome there.

With people like that it's best to try and remember that their behaviour is a reflection of how bad they're feeling and to try not to let the badness transfer itself to you for too long ...

[Kim K. in PA]

I haven't posted on your blog before, but your post moved me. I'm so sorry that you had to encounter a person like that. I am the mother of four kids and I am very aware that people can be horrible to children. More than once I wanted to never leave my home so I could shelter my children from nasty strangers. How wonderful that Sebastian has a mother who loves him and wants to be with him. What an awful life that woman must have to be so hate-filled. As an aside, my grandmother would have said that "Nasty Woman" had better watch out or her face will freeze like that.

[Toni]

I feel sorry for that bitter woman who doesn't understand that taking them out and teaching them how to behave in public requires *gasp* taking them out.

I don't have kids and I've had friends apologize when their child/children have been noisy or acted out. Given that these children were tired/hungry/bored which triggered the issue, I've never been bothered by it. Kids are still learning how to handle their feelings, all the input from around them, etc, and sometimes it's just too much and they melt into puddles of goo. They're kids, it happens.

Your son was better behaved than that woman was even if he did make some noise.

[Knittripps]

That makes me very sad. I do not have children of my own but I most certainly would not act that way to another human being. She acted very inappropriately. I hope she reads this post or hears about it and it makes her think twice about her actions.

[Karen]

I am so sorry to hear this! When the Harlot was in Seattle on Monday, there were babies and small children and none of us minded one bit! How horrid people can be!

[Kate]

Yikes. What a crummy thing to have happen! I kind of have sympathy for the shooshers though - life must be really hard for the mean-hearted. Grown people are pretty much hardwired to find joy in little people, so you have to be awfully damaged to be so cranky.

Also, Steph JUST wrote about her love of little ones a few weeks ago! Way to miss the point, shooshers! http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/archives/2008/04/08/two_for_one.html

[Sue J.]

I'm so sorry your day was marred by such ugliness of spirit. That woman probably has way more problems than most of us. We, too, took our son everywhere we went as he was growing up. He is the better for it, believe me. He has grown into a wonderful young man who fills our hearts with pride. Yours will, too, because he knows his mom and dad love him enough to include him, not exclude him.

[Sarah]

I keep trying to think of things to type...
I am going to stick with, I'm sorry, and that sucks.

[chrispy]

That is so horrible and sad. I love seeing kids at adult events. It is how they learn to interact. I might not personally want kids at this point in my life but I will bring my children with me. It was how I was brought up and I think I turned out well.

[Tana]

The only time kids bother me at events is when their parents bring them but don't bring anything for them to do. We have a couple moms who do that in our knitting group, and I just feel so bad for those kids because they're bored out of their mind, and then they act up, and embarrass their mothers...it's just painful.

Obviously, after a day of involving him in your life like that, you are so not that kind of mother. He may have been tired, but you were handling it very graciously. He's so lucky to have a mother like you. Don't let that woman rain on your parade!

[Evonne]

That person is full of bitter poison. What helps me in such a situation is to know that if someone treats people badly on a regular basis, they probably don't have too many friends left. Thank goodness that we are mostly surrounded by gracious people in our life, certainly in the knitting and craft community.

Thank you for the beauty you put into this world through your blog, your book, your life and being a mom!!

[GothamMom]

I am sorry.

Some people don't get it. Or they are unhappy with themselves and take it out on you.

TBHTHBHTHHBHTHHBH *stick tongue out and blow* to her.

Next time see if she would prefer a soaking wet kid on her lap over a moment's interruption.

[maryse]

i don't have children and sometimes i get frustrated when parents bring their small children to restaurants or movies,etc. and let them run around and disturb everyone there. but clearly that's not what happened, and i agree that that woman was totally out of line.

instead of focusing on what a witch she was though, try to think about how great everyone else was which i know is hard.

also, not all of us who are childless are childless by choice. ;)

[Michelle]

I would have cried, too. So sorry.

[gale (she shoots sheep shots)]

Don't let the two nasties negate the whole day. It was all about their issues NOT yours. People like that are probably living miserable narrow lives, which is what you get when you hiss at kids and life.

[Suzie]

I'm so sorry that you guys had to go through that. Ugh.

[Gaile]

I am so sorry Sebastian met her as well. She seems to be the one that was behaving badly - all you were doing was trying to get a diaper. Maybe she needed a time out!

My girls are now grown, but I was/am one of those people who believes you do bring children everywhere (for the most part), and if they get too tired or disruptive - do the wise thing (as you did), and move to the back of the room or outside the room if necessary.

To this day I believe the reason my daughters get along so well with all ages is because they were socialized from DAY 1.

I am sorry for both of you, and sorry she made you cry.

[larissa]

Oh, thank you so much for all your supportive comments. It makes me feel better. I really appreciate it.

[larissa]

Hi Maryse,

I totally did not think of that angle, surprisingly since I have three friends who've each been trying to conceive for anywhere between 1 to 3 years. I suppose this woman could have been in that boat back a few years (she was older than childbearing years.) I try to be very understanding no matter what a person's reason is for their reactions to things, but gosh she was mean!

My note about choosing to procreate was more about those of us for whom this was an obvious choice - we have kids who look like us in our arms. But I should not have assumed she was a childless person and childless by choice.

Larissa

[Cathy-Cate]

This made me cry a little. Given the fact that Steph loves kids and that you were being such a good mom, what a slap in the face! (Good comeback, though.) There are always kids: babies, toddler, young knitters: at Harlot events, and they're welcome. At the St. Paul event, I was late due to weather, and I hung out in the doorway/lobby with an active toddler and his mom. No worries.

Gah. I'm sorry your diaper bag was by a mean lady. Sebastian will never remember, but you will. On the other hand: we can't control other people's behavior, just our own, and 99% of the room and certainly the speaker were supportive of you and the little man. So there.

[alana]

It's such a shame that one or two nasty people can put such a negative slant on the day. I hope that time fades the yucky stuff while leaving you with some good memories of it. Children are children, babies are babies, adults are *supposed* to know how to behave. I hope that lady was the exception not the rule.

[Heather]

Does that betch KNOW who she was talking to? No, you don't talk to LB like that. No.

[larissa]

Right Heather! I wondered the same thing. Do you know you are talking to MOI? Ha ha ha.

[jodi]

Oh, I'm sorry. For Sebastian, for you, for that woman who has to live with a mean heart, and for Stephanie who would be appalled that this happened at her event. I don't have children, and once in a while a child's actions in public will make me wince, but I can't imagine ever expecting children not to live in the world like everyone else. And I hide those rare winces as best I can when they do appear, so as not to hurt a parent.

[larissa]

Jodi, Believe me I wince too sometimes, at both my own child and others'. But naturally those moments occur, and I agree none of us can expect children to not live in the world. Exactly!

[Jennifer]

Ugh! I have no patience for bitter people. I'm so sorry she snapped at you. She is apparently one of those miserable people who only makes herself feel better by trying to make others miserable. Don't let her succeed!!!!

*HUGS*

[Celaine]

old battle-ax!

[Celaine]

old battle-ax!

[saunaknitter]

That is just awful. Consider this a virtual hug from another mom:)

[Sandie]

As my address states, I have 6 boys! So I have had these experiences! One time I did actually have the perfect comeback, you know, the kind of thing you come up with well after the fact? Someone was complaining not directly about my children, but about "people" who bring misbehaving children, pointed at me obviously. I said, "You know what's worse than being seated near a crying child on a plane (or in a restaurant...)being the mother of that upset child, who probably hasn't been out in days. Who doesn't get much sleep, who desperately needs a day out, only to find others around being "bothered" by the children." She shut up. {hugs}

[Mama Urchin]

Oh Larissa, that stinks. Too bad she had to share her bad day with you. Hugs to you.

[Cathy]

I'm so sorry that it ended badly.

When flying as the lone grownup with my then-5-month-old daughter, who was wicked overtired and crying the whole way from Atlanta to Orlando (thankfully it's only about an hour flight). I took some solace in looking around the airplane knowing that everyone there used to be that same age -and would have probably reacted the exact same way to those conditions.

I agree that you were handling the situation well, and I'm sorry that she was mean to you guys.

[dale]

My God. How shocking. I'm so sorry.

You're lovely with Sebastian. Someone who couldn't tolerate you two has to be seriously disturbed.

(Oh, and I guess this means I'm de-lurking here. Hi!)

[Rebecca]

Well that just sucks that mean woman trying to ruin your fantastic day with your sweet child. Really I think he is and he was so cute last week. He's a great child and obviously that woman has some great sadness in her life to be so rude to someone.

[Rebecca]

Well that just sucks that mean woman trying to ruin your fantastic day with your sweet child. Really I think he is and he was so cute last week. He's a great child and obviously that woman has some great sadness in her life to be so rude to someone.

[sarah gilbert]

she really was nasty. I, too, wondered if she must have had some deep pain in her life to react so awfully. I imagined all sorts of melodramatic things. I think she'll be the tortured character in a novel I write someday... oh, she had a terrible childhood, locked up in her bedroom she was, whenever her alcoholic mother went out to fancy parties (while her dad was away in the war), and then there were the miscarriages... hehe.

I will admit to looking over at her laughing at something Stephanie was saying and thinking, 'how dare you! you get to pick, angry or happy, not both!' I wonder if someday she'll go to a reading for one of YOUR books and have the awful realization that she was horrible to you one day.

[Cindy, aka Maxfun]

BOOOO!!! Some people should stay home -- and I don't mean you and Sebastian, but the cretin who spoke to you so harshly.

It was lovely to see you. And the occasional cries from the few children punctuating the audience were dear, not terrible. Little ones are lovely to have around and they're some of the best folks to knit for, too!

I hope whatever aches in that woman someday finds healing. But part of me hopes that karma will kick her in the butt, too!

[korin]

Sorry your lovely day was marred with such nasty. ::hug:: I'm glad there are moms like you out there with me! :D

PS nice to run into you at Abundant... i don't thin you recognized me lol

[Lia]

Ugh, sorry people are so bizarre. i hope the good memories of the day will stick with you longer than the nastiness.

[Lana]

It's always a shock when people display such selfish and rude behavior. Knitters are known generally throughout the world for their civilized and generous behavior. Perhaps she needs some sort of medication like any number of helpful stress reducing drugs or perhaps an enema would have done the trick?

[Sonya]

That is just plain awful - good for you to have the presence of mind to answer back! I always think of the snappy comebacks long after.

I have and always will bring my kids everywhere. If you look at Stephanie's blog pages - who does she feature? Babies at readings. I took my son (just barely 18 months at the time) to the book tour launch in New York last year - there were babies and toddlers.

It is so unfortunate that people can act in such a nasty manner, it shakes you and leaves you with doubt and uncertainty. Then there are the other times when complete strangers will help you or tell you something that they didn't need to say, to let you know that you are not alone. Well 47 comments later, I guess you're not.

[Rodger]

Well, you know that Sebastian is always welcome at the shop. Maybe next time we should have the Harlot event THERE! At least there would be no notion of out-of-place children.

She's a schmuck, and an unhappy one at that.

[The Queen of the Snow Cows]

She sounded like a nasty twit. I hope the memory of her fades quickly and the happy ones you made all day last.

I would have cried too. I hate being shocked like that.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry, too. :(

When I hear or read stories of bad behavior, like from this bitter woman, there's a little part of me that fears I might have done something stupid and heartless like that in my life. I hope not. I'm glad you shared your story, because I think it helps others resolve to be more kind and understanding.

My darling mother, in most situations not an extrovert, carries around a couple of tiny picture books, a little flashlight, and a package Tic Tacs in her purse. She told me she does this just in case she gets to sit next to a child in church or at an event. She's 77 years old and she's pleased to have the chance to make a young friend. I want to be just like her when I grow up. :)

[Judy]

Please don't let a mean person ruin your fun day. Some people just don't get it and are never going to get it. Her opinion is just that - an opinion that is her's and doesn't have anything to do with you. BTW if you have not read Stephanie's post today, you should.

[Tish]

As a mom of 7 I've seen both ends of the spectrum, and had to learn to ignore the nasties and thank the understanding ones (positive reinforcement!). I remember finally getting to the front of a looong check-out line at the grocery store when my (then) infant (now 16yo!) daughter woke up and wanted attention NOW! I was trying to juggle her and put the groceries on the belt while other shoppers grumbled and glared, when a young man (who couldn't have been more than 20) stepped out of line and approached. He said "if she wouldn't mind, may I hold your beautiful baby while you unload the cart or if she does mind I'd be happy to unload your groceries for you". She didn't mind and the little flirt cooed and smiled at him while I got the groceries bagged and paid for. He even thanked me for letting him hold her! Obviously his parents took him places when he was little so he learned how to "play nicely with others"! (And my kids are more apt to smile at and play peek-a-boo with little kids while waiting in line than complain if the kids are a bit cranky.)

[Amanda Page]

Oh~! I read Stephanie's post today, and had no idea that it was you who'd been so badly treated in Portland. I'm sorry!

[donavan]

Oh, my dear... tears sprang to my eyes. I was so happy seeing all the babies and children and thinking "baby knitting people" and remembering when I took my "babies" with me to quilting meetings... back in the days when I knitted alone. And to top it off was having Sorren there with me all grown up and a knitter herself. It is bitter to think meanness was happening in the same room. Give Sebastian an extra snuggle from me.

[heide]

What a hateful way for people to treat one another! I was there too and the children and parents I saw were all delightful. I was up near the front, but if I'd been in the back of the room I would have offered to help out in anyway possible... not that your baby or you would have been comfortable with a complete stranger, but I could have retreived the diaper or at least given that woman a piece of my mind without your little one having to witness the terrible scene. I have three daughters and there have been many times when I've been reduced to tears while out in public because of comments and looks. Hugs to you and your baby!

[Cara]

In the baby state I'm in right now, I would've killed first, cried later.

I'm so so sorry. My husband just told me about an incident he witnessed on the train the other day where a 2.5 yr old was being independent. People on the train ended up taking sides in the issue and it got kind of ugly. It so rattled him he told me he never wanted me to take the train.

Just remember - karma baby!

[Nicole]

That is so terrible! What comes around, goes around.

[julia]

My husband and i chose to adopt a special needs child when we were doing foster care--he has the purest, sweetest heart, but a rather noisy and rambunctious body. ;-) i too used to get some amazing comments from people, but we're all on this earth learning together, and frankly i thought the planet was as much HIS as everyone elses. We of course tried to entertain him, but that didn't always work. But we were all learning how to be on this earth together. Some people are just more willing to share than others.
You can learn a lot from a child.

[Tracy]

Honestly I am stumped. At every event posting at yarnharlot.com blog there are pictures of adorable little ones. You would have to be a person who is fairly out of touch not to know that little people are totally welcome at Yarn Harlot events.

I'm sorry Sebastian had to meet that person too. I guess Inexplicable Knitter Behaviour comes in all forms.

[Alicia]

I'm so sorry that someone that rude was attending Steph's talk. Obviously she didn't realize that EVERYONE ELSE there loves kids, especially steph. She needs to get a dose of reality for herself. I'm sorry that she was so rude to you guys. ::HUGS::

[(formerly) no-blog-rachel]

I'm so sorry!

[Julia]

I can understand someone wanting to be able to hear a speaker and getting annoyed by unwanted noise, BUT it seems from what you wrote that you were being responsive to other people's needs, staying when Sebastian was able to stay quiet and then moving further out when he was not. Even if someone wants to register a complaint, there are good and bad ways to do it. "I'm sorry, but it is very hard for me to hear the speaker..." would suffice (if it were necessary, which I am sure it was not). I think that when people over-react and are particularly nasty there is usually something going on in their own life that is causing them to act that way. I can be very sensitive to those kinds of hurts, and I have the capacity to re-play those horrible situations over and over in my head. To stop that cycle, I try to remind myself that I know nothing about the other person or their life and what circumstances could have brought them to today. Similarly, they do not know me, and have no understanding of the lengths I go to not to offend others. That takes the personal nature out of it for me, which makes it easier to leave behind. Think instead of your great day and of all the people who were so kind - it is never a bad thing to be open, even if it sometimes hurts.

xox, J

[Nicole]

Too bad that sad, pathetic lady put a blemish on your lovely day. I actually kinda feel sorry for her. It must suck to go through life with an attitude like that.

Speaking as a woman who is childless by choice, I never mind when parents bring their children to social events such as this. I happen to really enjoy being around children, and I find that most of the time, parents are very quick to remedy the situation if a child gets fussy/noisy. As Stephanie pointed out, children are part of society, and I think it's bizarre for some people to expect that they should be hidden away till they become "reasonable" adults. As that mean lady demonstrated, there are a lot of fully grown humans out there that are not fit to mix with the rest of society. Most kids I've met have much more advanced social graces than that!

Just felt I needed to comment from the perspective of someone who peacefully decided that being a mom was not the right path for her. Not all of us are bitter, shrivelled up child-haters. Many of us actually cherish the chance to interact with children in the wider world, even if we are happier as non-parents in our private lives. But of course, I'm sure you knew all of that.

;)

[larissa]

Thank you, Nicole. Of course people who choose not to have children are just like those who do! A mostly great bunch of people, with the usual dose of bad apples.

Also, we all have our days. I am a dog lover, as you who read here all know. But I found myself a bit agitated at there being 3 dogs in the shop yesterday. And I said to myself WTF? Does it really matter that there are 3 dogs in here? It's a busy shop anyway with a lot going on, and your kid is more noisy than even 1 of these dogs. Then I realized I was really agitated about something else. And I let it go. These feelings come sometimes when we are tense, and we can choose to let them go because we realize they are unreasonable.

Ahhhhh.

[Lori Patterson]

I sat in the rows behind you and saw this whole encounter. I wanted to get up and choke that woman. Then you looked so sad and I didn't want to add salt to your wounds but I wanted to hug you. He was so cute in his little hat. Just at that momnet I saw him jumping and I felt such love from him and then that woman had to go an be so mean. Just wanted you to know that I saw and I am sending good vibes your way~~~~~~
Peace
Lori

[JulieFrick]

Hey, darlin',

If it helps, one of the very, very high points of MDSW for me was finally opening Knitalong and finding two of my photographs in there! I had no idea! None! What a great surprise! And I had my kiddo with me and he got the odd look and you know what? Eff 'em. Must suck to be so full of righteous indignation all the time, right?

Love!

[Stickchick]

I am saddened but not surprised by the callousness of this woman. I'm just sorry you had to endure such treatment at the hands of such a thoughtless person.

I have three sons, now bigger but I remember all too well the days trying to go out in public and doing your best to keep the kiddies quiet. It's so hard and I think we all need to cut each other a break.

We are all only trying to do our best, there is nothing more we have to give except of ourselves. That woman crushed a bond of sister-hood, womanhood and knitterly-hood.

At least you are allowing us a chance to reach out to you and put something positive back in the world. We love you, you are one of us, she sits alone and bitter. I think you came wAaaaaaay ahead on this!

[marilyn]

The lady who snarled at you is a sad person. If I understand the story correctly, you had already taken your son to the back of the room and into the lobby due to his noise/age and were returning to get a diaper? HOW is that a disrespectful or even disruptive thing to do?!

Now, I'm going to say something probably not popular with the readers... Yarn Harlot talks are probably not the best place to take a toddler and a babysitter may have been a more fun option for everyone. But...such wisdom did not stop ME from taking my own 3-year-old to the Yarn Harlot last year at Powell's. We were smiled at and welcomed (like you, I did squirrel us in the back so as to minimize disruption). I'm sorry you were not treated nicely.